Bristol's Badass Burlesque Show
Make-up tricks and tips from the immaculately spooky Dis Charge.
There comes a point in everyone’s life when they realise that to succeed and to thrive in the worlds of business and even in pleasure, one must indeed, dress the part. An armani suit here, a Vivienne Westwood Basque there and voila! The perfect silhouette achieved. Nothing unfortunately is quite that simple. Clothes may maketh the WOman but nothing screams glamour and success in quite the same way as immaculate maquillage. I’m talking about beating face here people, about the artistic application of strategic cosmetic enhancing products. Of slapping that shit on like warpaint before some corporate whore steps raggedly on our words and steals away our moneys honey!
In this tutorial I plan to open wide my beauty book secrets for you all. Look on in wonder, suckle at my pendulous teat and drink the heady cocktail of liquid eyeliner mineral powder that doth FLOW.
Step 1: Smooth Surface
For me this is very important though there is an exception to every rule. I prefer to start completely clean shaven but a bearded lady is a sexy sight so this one, feel free to skip…
Step 2: Cover Your Brows!!
Nobody wants natural eyebrows, I certainly don’t! Why be natural when you can be supernatural, and if you can’t shave them off completely then why not hide your shame like a government would; heap a pile of crap over it and paint on top in pretty colours so that no one suspects a thing.
Taking and alcohol wipe, run over your brows and give them a deep clean. This will remove pesky oils that we just don’t need. Once this is done, take a clean mascara brush (you can buy them cheap and easy – like me – from Wilkos) and brush the hairs against the grain and upwards. I then dip the same brush into spirit gum and completely comb this through making them sticky and hard (that’s right, you heard me). Pat them down flat against your forehead with a sponge applicator of a large velour makeup pad.
Repeat this step four times allowing for drying time in between. Make sure they are stuck down real good.
Now that you’ve covered your brows with spirit gum, it’s time to pile even more shit on your face! This time a heavy ass craft glue or wax by kryolan such as Brow Plastic works well. If you’re using a glue I’d suggest one of the white ones that come quite cheaply and are water soluble. Take a butter knife or craft spatula and scrape a small slab off the side then paste it all over your brows to make then completely smoothe. Once this is done pile on a bunch of white powder to ensure no darkness from the brows remains. I will cover again with spirit gum at this point and powder over this to seal these final layers. Nobody said that beauty was easy!!
Step 3 : Camouflage!
Take your simple neutral shade foundation, I prefer a panstick in clown white or TV white by Kryolan, and smother your skin. Get into every crack and crevice, if you’re like me and developing ravines, this may take a little while. You can see in the below image how flawless I make my base and how soft and glowing I appear, at this stage, even though I haven’t got brows, I look like a young Lana Turner.
Seal with a complimenting pressed powder or if you prefer, continue on with contouring using cream shadows.
Step 4: Eyes
I spend a great deal of attention to my eyes because, its true, they are the window to the soul. It goes without saying of course, that I am a soulless bitch, so it’s far better for me to appear colourful and sweet, leading to my infamous candy bright eyes.
I use a cream shadow to cover the main lid and then trace in the new crease line incorporating the old and… Expanding on it, to create a larger eye shape… Bigger is better after all! Once this has been applied (here, I used a yellow and green) and then set and blend these using high pigment powders to soften and define the eye. I also draw a striking cats eye flick to line the upper lid and elongate the shape.
Brows come next. I suggest pointy and harsh or none at all if you like. Of course creativity is key here, why not use dots of colour instead of a solid brow shape or maybe stick feathers or crystals on instead, hell you can even use baking foil if you want…
Step 5 : Contouring
Pesky cheekbones like mine are always getting lost in the wasteland of my face, the same could be send for my jawline, so let’s get creative shall we?
Who needs boring beige when scarlet or magenta are to hand?! Carve those features back in and let’s see the drama unfurl shall we… Start with some electric zygomatics! Then, on to the jawline. So many women are unaware of their tide lines, allowing for pale necks that contrast horribly with orange faces, I whole heartedly embrace the inverse, let’s face it, it makes us all look that little bit slimmer and everyone is instantly fooled. Presto change-o, bang go a hundred pounds…
You are now ready, spray a whole bunch of hairspray on it, stick a wig on it and get changed… A la liquid silver, you should look, a little like this…
Season’s Greeting from CoochieCrunch & Dis Charge!